I’m not getting IT

Bedroom Confession #1: I’m Not Getting “IT”


From Mountain Lake Dawson’s Sermon Series
View the service online at: vimeo.com/dawsonmlc


IT is more than just the physical but needs in general. In our marriage we often are thinking “i’m not getting it…i’m not getting my needs met”. It is a common thought in relationships but seldom said out loud. The unfortunate truth is that by the time we do communicate to our spouse that we aren’t getting our needs met we have already started to call it quits in the relationship. To love means to meet needs. Loving our spouse requires us to know their needs and be willing to selflessly and unconditionally meet those needs.

Not Too Late: If you are thinking “I’m not getting it”, know that it’s not too late! Marriages can be restored and intimacy rebuilt.

Prepare or Repair: Even if your marriage is great and you are “getting it”, that can change quickly. When things are good we can easily slip into auto-pilot mode. You can either prepare and continue working in your relationship or find yourself trying to repair the relationship later.

Duty over Desire

Intimacy is destroyed by selfishness but rebuilt by selflessness. Our focus must be on our spouse and their needs. Meeting our spouse’s needs is not conditional. We do not meet their needs SO THAT our needs will be met. Even though that is the eventual result…that cannot be our motivation.

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:3)

Meeting our spouse’s needs must happen whether we feel like it or not. Husbands, you have a duty to meet your wife’s needs. Wives, you have a duty to meet your husband’s needs. Desire is not the goal because there are plenty of seasons and days when we don’t want to put our spouse first. But when we married we promised to submit ourselves to our spouse and put him/her first!

The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:4)

[Husbands and Wives] Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord…Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:21, 22, 25)

Fulfilling Your Marital Duty:

Easier said than done. Most couples want to love and meet the needs of their spouse…we just don’t always know how and where to start. Here are some places to start so you can begin to meet the needs of your spouse and fulfill your marital duty.

Love Languages: Take the Love Languages Test online at: www.5lovelanguages.com Once you know the love languages for you and your spouse you will be better able to love and meet their needs.

Fresh Ideas: It’s doesn’t take long to run out of ideas of how to love and meet the needs of our spouse. Eventually, buying  the same flowers doesn’t convey the intended message of love. Gregory Godek’s book, “1001 Ways to be Romantic” is a great resource for new and varied ideas! Click to view as a PDF

His Needs/Her Needs: It’s not surprise that the needs of a husband are very different from the needs of a wife. But knowing that fact doesn’t help unless we are able to identify the needs in our spouse. That’s where the book “His Needs/Her Needs” is a great resource! Dr. Williard Harley identifies the top needs for husbands and wives. Click to view it out on amazon!

Ask Questions: We are not mind-readers, no matter how long we have been married. If you want to get the right answers…ask the right questions. Ask your spouse how things are going…really going. How is our marriage? How am I loving you? When was the last time you really felt loved by me? What needs am I meeting well? What needs am I not meeting? When asking the right questions, be sure to ask them in the right environment. Asking these questions on your way out the door, right before going to sleep or while playing with the kids probably isn’t the best time or setting. Create space and time for these discussions. Make it a date night or a morning coffee conversation when it’s just the two of you. The more regular these conversations are, the more honest you become and the better spouse you grow to be.

 Giving while on Empty:

Relationships are a give AND take. If we are in a relationship that feels like a one-way street we quickly become deprived and depleted…feeling like we are running on empty with nothing left to give our spouse or anyone else. That is why it is vital that we are growing in intimacy with God. When we have a growing and intimate relationship with God we are filled with His love and His grace and it is out of the OVERFLOW of that love and grace that we are able to give love and grace to those around us. If you are in a relationship (married or not) and you feel like you have nothing left to give. Ask God for the grace you need so you can give grace. Relationships require much grace! But it also requires a conversation. Be open and honest about the reality of your relationship. It is our tendency to withdraw and withhold when we find ourselves depleted and deprived. Instead, press further into the relationship by selflessly serving and having open and honest conversations while allowing God to pour more into you


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